Don't put thoughts of yours into my words, dear...

If you have ever heard something like this warning from your loving husband, then welcome to the club. You did something that I have trouble stopping. How can you stop that? I have tried for years and yes, I believe I have become better all in all, but if I do not tell myself 'no, listen, what are his words?' I start doing more than understand the words. I immediately look for additional information of the non-verbal kind.

When you listen to your (female) friends, this kind of problem simply doesn't exist. Well, at least I have never experienced any of this with one of mine and they haven't either. So, here we are again, back to the problems of ... male and female communication. Sorry, if you have been waiting for another description of me being whacked. Not all of my life is about BDSM, but I'll surely come back to writing down such experiences later on because I love that topic as much as you do.

 Here come the bees

 I have written about how different men and women are more than once here. But sometimes a certain scene just triggers something in  me. When one of my friends had her baby last summer, we (female friends) went there to see mom and daughter, meet, enjoy the moment and show how much we felt for her. Imagine that, a sunny day, we had tea, a bit of cake, a typical women's kaffeeklatsch. Talk and enjoyment in the afternoon. And everybody who reads this, absolutely knows what happened with the little babygirl and women. Yep, the adult bees swarmed all around the little babybee. We held her, smelled her, cuddled, counted her toes and played with her hands and meanwhile we all were close together. I mean not only because we had a fantastic connection in that moment, this was also physical. We were physically a bit like a crowd at times, took the baby, hugged happy mum and were physically and emotionally close to each other.

Here come the drones 

When we all went into the yard later on, mummy bee and babybee included, some of the husbands were chatting together and we bees all went over to participate. You could assume that nothing extraordinary would happen. We'd talk a little and then promenade before we'd leave for home. But there was a visible difference: only daddydrone took his little babybee and kissed mummy bee. There were some more hugs and kisses between some of the couples, of course. But what about babybee? We women had cuddled and held the little baby excessively and it was a lovely experience. And I mean each woman in the house had her and enjoyed that a lot. But from the men's side only her dad wanted to hold her. None of the men asked to have her for a moment. 

I asked hubby later on about it and he said why should he? She's a baby like any other and not his. Hello, anybody home??? I did not know what to make out of it and still don't know. If I ask such a question, I have to be willing to live with the answer, I have learned that much. And that babies are a sensitive issue for the two of us, is no real secret, but we are working on it. Often and with pleasure :)

Still, the difference was too obvious, the men did not try to come close and have her, whereas all women who were present did. I'd bet that some of you have seen something like that going on too, wherever you are.

Body language / behaviour

You can also go and look into the differences of how we communicate non-verbally. Same day, same occasion. When we women met, we also went for physical contact. We hugged and kissed, later on we sat down and talked. When we sat next to each other and talked, we touched each other's arms, it is an automatism that happens, e.g. when you want to emphasize or when you want to get additional attention. This is not meant sexually in any way, it is just an additional way to connect. So, it just happens and feels good to do! Besides, we know each other's eye colour well. Guess why this happens to be. Yes, because we actually look i n t o the eyes of the one we talk to. We do not need to look at the level below (the assessment of other women happens quickly and is over before even a single word has been uttered). That's what the other sex does at close range. And at long range. How could you not be offended, if the one you talk to, looks elsewhere most of the time. Maybe even the gras is more interesting than what I have to say? Is that why you look there? Thank you very much. I think this is rude, because it shows that the other one is not interested.

And now for the different thinking and misunderstood communication

A while ago, I have already published a classic example of what might happen between men and women if they follow their typical and different ways of communicating. You find that example here.
Since I still tend to do these things, put more thoughts into hubby's words,  these misunderstandings  happen  now and then.  If it were only funny, no problem. But hubby and I were  really vexed repeatedly because of them. And this is not my fault ! :) No, of course not, it is ours. If I look for understanding and empathy, hubby has to notice that I do need comfort and connection. He is really good at that, but sometimes, err, ehm, he fails. I never do, of course. But what I have to keep in mind is that hubby often speaks facts only. I guess it is a male language, women can only learn that if they forget about meta communication, i.e. the message behind the message. Then again, why do I have the feeling that men are more often ironic than women? Strange.

Anyway, let's have a night out in a restaurant. We love that and although hubby could, he does not always decide where we go to. Instead he asks me and that's sort of complicated then at times. I'd maybe say something like 'I don't know' as a starter. That's the first problem, because I don't want to decide that issue, I'd like to negotiate where we could go to, so that both have a say. Well, sometimes I know the answer and just don't give it away, because hubby should know what I think then. :)))) Yes, I know what you think now.

So, hubby's answer would be a suggestion, the name of a restaurant. I mean, if he really asks, we should negotiate, shouldn't we? Then, my next move would be 'Maybe another one, I did not like the fish there.' Hubby would come up with an alternative. He'd soon ask me what I'd like to eat and I'd still be vague in my answer. ... We could play this game for a longer time, but he would not allow that. Finally hubby would decide and in doing that, I could end up a little bit upset or feel misunderstood and consider him selfish for not asking what I actually wanted. The example could be more complicated than this, and hubby always has nice ways out of such traps, but it could happen, because he talks fact and I talk meta.

Honey, I think the trash needs to be taken out
I'll give you two more, because I like these examples and they are so typical. One of my all time favourites I have heard in our family, in the non-DD and non-D/s branch of them. It is about overflowing dustbins. :) She used indirect language: 'Honey, I think the trash needs to be taken out.' Can you guess what he would do? He simply said 'Yes, right' and went on minding his own business. She was frustrated and I did it, because otherwise she would have done it. HE just did not get the message. There was too much metamessage in it.
This last one is not from hubby and me, but I heard it more than once. He criticises her, because she did not do something connected to childcare that she should have done, 'because a good mother would do this'. Her reaction would naturally be something like 'Why do you say that I am a bad mother?!' Since men can use metamessages, of course, a lot would depend on the situation and his real intentions. He could just have been a typical man and had not even intended to express what she understood. But he could also have been a really mean blockhead.

Men are strange 
I have always wanted to write that, and now I even did it in bold letters. But probably I have only been stating the very obvious, ... men are different and strange. :) <--I do enjoy this conclusion. Uhm, women are strange, too, sometimes maybe.  But I really love that men and women talk differently, because  it creates a sort of endless excitement; forget about the increased chance of frustration for a minute. It would be somehow boring if men and women were too similar, still, sometimes I wished that I really had a good dictionary man-woman / woman-man, because even though hubby and I communicate a lot and in the most satisfying ways, simple misunderstandings still happen now and then. They are the ordinary kind, hubby processes information and comes up with his solution and I feel misunderstood because I wanted him to relate only or to show sympathy. It happens to everybody, therefore I recommend: man say more than yep or nope and woman read less between the lines when talking with a man.
Oh, and sometimes talking less actually is more... I know, according to how long my entries here have become lately, I should better listen to my own advice. :)

Me speak woman - me no speak man :)

I admit that I am biased, prejudiced, use stereotypes and am currently in the mood to show how superior female communication skills are  … just teasing, gentlemen. I’ll ask hubby later on why teasing men this way is so much fun, and I’ll get a short three word answer, because the reason will be so logical.

When you look at how communication between the sexes works, you can see that the reason for communication is already different between men and women. Men communicate first of all, to report a problem and to find a way to solve that. Once the job is completed, they go and watch football with some pals. No word spoken for the rest of the night, because those two, three or more guys can connect via electronic means, or just by sitting on the sofa and drinking lager, non-verbally, by supporting the same team. They are all good friends, connection completed. Words spoken in 24 hours: 150.

Women communicate often because they need the exchange as a means to give support to others, to receive support from their friends, to connect to others. Being together with friends, talking about everything is not because you want all the information and then go home. Tea with friends is an event, because you can connect, you feel better because you are with them and share how you and they feel. I am perfectly able to describe the innermost of myself in words, but it takes time and many words to do so. Talking to each other is a way to make you feel good. Imagine how good it feels if you hear how your friends share ideas, have similar views on things. In a way, I can see where my friends and I stand emotionally and in relation to each other. It is a never ending process of relating to each other and creates heaps of happy hormones. Words spoken in 24 hours: 12500.

Interlude:
He: “Did you come?”

She: “How subtle ?!. I don’t want kids from you any longer!”

If she had not been tired before, she will be now, because this question is so insensitive; for me this ranges next to “Have you got your period?!”

Non-verbal communication

He, in a moment of emotional closeness, hugs her long and tight. Translation men-women:  “I love you so much”

She appreciates the moment of connection, is looking for the meaning behind it, but does not necessarily see the hug as his weekly utterance of ‘I love you’. Instead she complains to her best friend, because her partner never talks to her and never says ‘I love you endlessly.’ She is distressed and he does not even know why, because he has expressed his feelings non-verbally. Now, that’s a dilemma, because non-verbal communication is great and women like that, because it can be so symbolic, but not when it comes to expressing degrees of love. 
How do you express the degree of love towards your partner non-verbally? Ever tried that? A kiss= a little? Smack on the bottom=More than average? Outright shagging= endless love, ooh, here it comes, baby? (I have asked hubby, I was allowed to use the indecent word for dramatic effect).

Gentlemen, sexual intercourse is not the same as love. That’s another misconception of yours. It is a great way to connect, to show intimacy and can add to love and it would not feel right for me with someone I did not love, but the emotion is not the same as the physical act.

For me, non-verbal communication simply is not good enough to exchange how much you love someone. It is the wrong way. I for one need to hear that so that I can understand it and connect to my partner. Speaking about non-verbal: Flowers are a nice supplement to express love, and I love that, but if you get flowers every week, instead of the words “I love you”, it just is not enough and becomes less meaningful. But it is still nice and lovely to get them now and then..

Actually, my idea about non-verbal communication and men is, that they are not worse or better than women, just like in most other areas, the training and mental makeup that men and women have is probably just different. Therefore, I think that women can read some non-verbal better which men do not even see and vice versa.

How do you deal with stress?

If hubby is stressed, he would often try to find a place for himself, he would talk less, and he would not like to talk about what stresses him. He wants to relax then, no talking, nobody around, not even me, which I hate a lot, because I always have this feeling I could help, or at least I’d try and show sympathy, if nothing else. Instead, he wants to have this time for himself and usually he comes  up with a solution again, later. The second annoying bit here is that male communication kicks in immediately afterwards and it might happen that I never find out why he was so quiet. Instead I’d get a short explanation on the solution he found for the problem he had pondered. Maybe I do not even get the chance to see how much of a problem he had. (Sir, no criticism, I am dramatising).

For me, dealing with stress would be the other way round. I’d look for hubby to talk to, to go through every detail of what created the stress, I’d need the support from him, the sympathy and the knowledge that he is there for me and that he really listens to me. When I have unburdened my heart to him or a good friend, I feel better again and everything is better again. See? Opposites attract.

Let me tell you … vs. you should know what I want

Ok, let me contradict myself a little now. Women talk more in a day than men. But when it comes to expressing their needs and wants to their partner, I have the feeling that men are so much better. Maybe I just project to how it has always been for me and turn it into a general statement. But some of my (female) friends share my idea. This is connected to a sentence hubby uses again and again on me. “If you want it, ask for it.” This is not meant in the D/s sense, which it could have. No, there is a different approach of how men and women communicate what they want. Men just say it. No problem, no second underlying meaning, just the plain fact. Sometimes this could lead directly into conflict, because I am used to hubby reading me, which he is awfully good at. And then suddenly there is this moment again, where he did not read me properly. This coincides with the moment where I did not speak, although I should have, according to hubby. Why should I? I expect hubby to know what I want. Usually it just works, but not always and I also know that I am blessed with hubby because he can read me most times. Still, I have to state what I want or need and sometimes I do.

Imagine how many misunderstandings you would see, if husband was a bad wife-reader and wife had my highly spoiled expectations to be read by her husband. So, the basic problem is, women have to state what they want, just the way men do. But don’t appear demanding either, because that would create different problems.

Jo and Jane

As you know, misunderstanding each other is easy. The reasons are many, but one of the major differences in the way men and women communicate is that men tend to detach emotion from thoughts and most activities they do. And where men tend to connect some –more or less- logical reason to their actions, they don’t see the need to communicate much about it. Women’s communication does not work that way, usually. If you go through a house or flat where everything was arranged by a woman, you can see the love for detail in it. I am talking about the tendency of it, of course, this is not an inflexible rule. With women’s communication it is similar. Where Jo would just see that it is logical for him and not lose a word about it, Jane would ask about details. Everything has a meaning, at least that’s the first thought that would come up. What’s the meaning behind the first layer of information. She would ask why and how someone came to this conclusion or what your thoughts were while you pondered the problem. And Jo? Jo only looks for the result. 

how bad can men and women be at being themselves?

Careful, the following text is not politically correct, ... like most others where I describe the advantages of DD and state explicitly that I love the traditional roles that we follow in our marriage.

Actually this text is a follow-up from another article I wrote here  Why some women can let go and others can’t, where I wrote how some women behave man-like in the bedroom and have problems because of that.

I believe that many women have the problem that they cannot be themselves in a way that allows them to be emotionally satisfied and at the same time be accepted by a majority of people (a.k.a. society). Instead of celebrating their femininity,  many women show more traits that I usually connect with men or being masculine. At the same time, many men have learned to show some of the characteristics that I would usually connect with femininity, e.g. being more sensitive. Of course, this is good to have, no matter what gender you are. But still I think that in many cases this new way of thinking and living has created more problems and not really helped much.

I am not trying to talk politics here and want to stress that I believe that same rights, same chances and same payment for both sexes go without saying. If you have read a few of my articles, you know who is in charge in our household, still, we believe in equal rights for the sexes, but we do not believe men and women are equal. There is nothing good or bad about stating that there are differences. The biological differences are obvious, but I think there are also major differences in the way women and men think. Accordingly, it should be no big news that men and women have different needs, views, feel differently. And that's why I think it is not good for many/most? (I did not check any statistics) women to behave so far away from the core of their nature. I believe that women can and should be whatever they want to be, head of state, CEO, astronaut, doctor, stay at home mom, everything, but I also believe that they should not try to adopt roles that they do not feel comfortable with.
There are (at least ) two genders, therefore half of the blame should be put on men. Often enough I have this feeling that many men are not up to the task of leading a family properly. Yes, this is the moment, at the latest, where many will object. My point of view is based on the traditional family rolemodel, but with a modern touch to it. I am not from the 50's and I believe in political equality.

Within relationships equality is probably a myth. I see that there is someone who is the dominant partner, not only in our own relationship, also in all others that I have ever had the chance to learn about. Couples might not emphasize that there is someone leading the other (maybe they are not even aware), but it is there, just like you have it in friendships. There is one who is more dominant, a kind of leader, usually. It does not mean anything bad, because the less dominant part still has a say in a friendship, just like in a loving relationship, but the less dominant one is likely to give in and accept decisions and feels fine with that.
So, for us it was only stating the obvious, that we had my husband as head of household and me as his submissive, who follows his lead. And, oh my, today I am really trying to annoy many,  for us it is even trickier, because we have a Master/slave relationship. Oh no! Oh YESSS! The best thing ever, for him and me. Still, we are in a loving relationship. I am a human being and want to feel accepted as a partner, too. Wait a minute,  is that possible? Yes, it is, if you are in a relationship where you can really talk and communicate freely with your partner, it is.
I am the one who obeys, but I can communicate with hubby. He listens closely to my input, he considers every word of what I say and then he decides about matters. We actually DISCUSS matters, we are hotheaded when it comes to that, talk, agree, disagree, with vehemence, wholeheartedly, sometimes more like the cliché of the Italian couple where plates fly through the air. Ok, we don't go that far, and we always show respect and love, but my point is, I have a say in everything that touches our relationship. And still, I do not decide anything. My husband and Master decides. I gave that privilege/burden to him and I showed my endless trust and love with that too ... and for me, it feels good.

It is my conviction that many modern women have lost the connection to their inner self, they do not heed their instincts and very often this appears to be because it is not politically correct; what would the others say, if I asked my partner to be allowed to have a night out with the girls? The guys are not better there, by the way. I think in many cases, modern men are not up to the task of leading a family anymore because it is not politically correct to demand something like 'I want to know where you go, when you are back and who is going to be with you' from their female partner. I think many put such things into the category political rights, whereas I would always put it into the category relationships/our way to happiness. As a partner I think that the dynamics between hubby and me should not be based on politics. I would not be happy that way, neither would he be. ... And in many others I have this feeling they are not happy either, because they feel insecure, maybe they want to listen to their heart, which tells them 'submit to him, trust him', but their brains tells them 'you are an independent woman and therefore you don't have to ask your husband about anything'.

Nevertheless, I am convinced that most women have this desire to find someone who helps them find their role, and I believe that in the majority of women this would include something like managing home and family. I also believe that in general most women are somehow looking for the strong partner, who protects them, who keeps them safe and secure, who allows them to be vulnerable and does not ridicule that but cherishes it as a valuable trait. Someone who cares and brings them back down to earth in moments of crisis. For me these are things dominant partners do.... But where are those? Ha, I have married one, but there are many men who would be dominants, but they do not dare to, because what is inherent in them has been subdued from an early age on.This does not mean that women cannot be dominant partners, though I believe that chances are higher that men show dominant traits. The problem with that is, if men do, they are usually viewed as somebody oldfashioned  or even misogynic. Therefore, most men do not even dare to show such characteristics in public.
The result of these developments are many men and women who feel deeply insecure because they do not know which role they feel comfortable with and often they have no clue of how to communicate what they really need in their lives.

If I have hurt anybody's feelings with what I have written, I apologize for that, because it is not my intention to cause trouble of any kind. Mind, I do not apologize for my opinion, but I am always open for discussion.

Trust

Subs and dominants

Trust is an important issue, in any relationship. But if your relationship involves DD or something like bondage, it is even more important. Trust is something that you need as a sub and as a dominant. Imagine, the dominant partner places his trust in a sub, she tells him that she has had consensual beatings in the past and can cope with that. During the scene it turns out that there is some trauma that she connects with being beaten and has a break-down. I made this example up, but if you imagine the situation, it must be horrible, for the dominant as well as for the sub.

On the other hand, if you are submissive and place your trust in your dominant partner, you should better be sure that you are allowed to trust him. If not, the results could be a real catastrophe. Imagine yourself bound and helpless, which is when you are vulnerable and should be able to enjoy what is going on, and then all goes into the wrong direction. You could be robbed, which is more or less easy to bear, because no actual physical harm has been done. But you could also end up abused physically and mentally.

I am no expert on how to contact dominant partners and learn how to trust them, because my husband also is my Master and we have complete trust in each other, so I never had to think much about trust with my partner. It is there and strongly so. 
But common sense would tell me, in a situation where I would get to know a potential partner to play with, that I have to tell a real friend where I am, with whom and I’d have phone nearby and have a friend call me, to check whether all is ok. This is the least to do, I think. There could be enough other problems that you could not solve by being phoned, but I would not go anywhere without some kind of backup. I keep doing a lot of silly things, but would try to prevent potentially life-threatening situations before they could arise.

Of course, before you have a scene, there is much more to do, you have to get to know each other, find out about your potential partner and negotiate what you want to do in a scene, you have to talk about safety, find safewords, at least note down the basics of what you negotiated before you start.

Men and women

I think that there are differences in how men and women trust their partners. If a man trusts somebody, I sometimes have this feeling that there are dozens of drawers, one for each kind of activity or issue, just like there appear to be different categories of trust for men. As a result, this man trusts his friend Joe when it comes to expert-advice on machines and his friend Jim on expert-advice on women. Jim is the one who is married! Do I sound prejudiced? Nah, can’t be, women never have prejudices …. (I apologize half-heartedly; it is just the hormones…).

Then there is another drawer, the BIGGEST DRAWER, and that has written SEX on it. I am not a man-eating slut, but nevertheless, sooner or later you are in a situation where you meet some man who would go and have sex with you immediately. Try a night in the disco and count the phone numbers that you collected. If you wanted to, you could have another sex-partner (not a lover, for sure) every day of the year. Not my cup of tea, but you get the message. The point here is that many (most? Seriously, I don’t know) men are easy to manipulate by means of sexual attraction (Master says: most men). They really would go into a hotel and let you bind them, so that you could rob them after they are bound and helpless.

I mean, how could men do that? I would not even put my handbag out of my hand in the presence of somebody I would not feel safe or well with, and surely would not let me be bound by somebody I got to know only ten minutes earlier between two Margueritas.

But if I trust somebody, I do that without any differentiation. It is more like all or nothing for me. Maybe I am trust-challenged here, but then I am not the only one. Doesn’t make it any better, I know. If women have come to trust their partner, they would trust him with the money, they would believe all, or most, of what he says and definitely trust him during sex, let him do what he wants, or trust him enough to believe that he stops if she doesn’t want to go on. Nevertheless, in most cases it would take longer than ten minutes to earn that trust. But if you end up with a one night stand after a night out, either you know what you did, or you placed your trust in the wrong hands. This would feel like betrayal for me, and I would feel seriously hurt. But that’s because I cannot separate sex from being emotionally involved, just like most (many?) other women.

Why some women can let go and others can’t

Recently I had a discussion with a friend about why some women cannot let go during sex. I know, sex again, sorry for that, but this was something we talked about. I think this is rather controversial, because I know that my idea does not apply to every woman. Besides, I don't want to offend anybody and hope this is not misunderstood completely.

There is a growing group of women who have trouble in bed, they more or less do in bed, what they do in their jobs: they are persistent and assertive, they use their intellect where they should not, in my opinion, they should listen to their heart, or better, follow their emotional guide and if they think at all in bed, it should be maybe more about how they feel in this moment with their partner. This is not directly connected to DD or D/s relationships, I think that rationalising about everything in bed is deadly for every kind of intimacy and horrible, because I think this behaviour creates pressure in bed, where fun, peace, ease and being relaxed should be the only important bit to care for. It reminds me of people who go on holiday, are overactive all the time, just because they want to fill any minute with activity and have no chance to relax at all, instead when they return home, they are more exhausted than ever. I believe, this cannot be healthy.

My point is about women and what happens in bed, though. Among friends, I have heard more than once that some put this kind of pressure onto themselves in the bedroom. Actually, I connect this kind of behaviour with what men tend to do, also in the bedroom, being focused on success, and probably also with a certain kind of aggressive attitude behind it. For me, this sounds like a horrible experience. I always thought that some of the best characteristics of women are to be allowed to be sensitive, to be allowed just to give to him and fulfil his needs as well as my own with that, to show emotion and enjoy the moment. Yes, I know, completely out of date, that's what I would expect some to reply. But there is nothing wrong with you, if you need a lot of intimacy, if you just need a lot of time to spend with your partner in bed, if you want to be touched physically and emotionally. The time you spend together in bed is only a good one, if it is more than a physical experience. Take your time, because these intimate moments are not meant to be a race or a business contract where there can only be one winner. Even if you do not agree with me, I am so sure that you have the picture of someone who behaves like a racer in bed, you probably know someone like that, no matter whether this one is male or female. In my opinion, men tend to be like that, and to a certain degree that is fine, though definitely not enough to satisfy the needs of a woman. Sure, just like we can do all the things men can do, we can also be like men in bed, but this does not mean, that we should. I am not discussing same rights for both sexes, same money for same work, and so on, because these ideas are extremely important and should go without saying. I am talking about relationships and emotional distortions and about the pressure to succeed that women create for themselves. It is against women's strengths and qualities. If I had to be like that, it would make me completely unhappy. And I am sure I would not enjoy being in bed with any partner if I had this idea that I need to be successful in bed.