What I write here now is more like my way of sorting out for myself what was going on this afternoon.
Today Master and I had some time in the afternoon which we spent relaxed together (no sex, I am still waiting for that chance again). We started discussing and suddenly I found myself in an old trap (category: unwanted behaviour). I started being a bit bitchy and aggressive, because I did not like to listen and was unable to behave, though there actually was no real reason for me to behave that way. Master was relaxed and calm all the time, not just in his outward appearance, but from deep within as well. This was one of these moments which showed quite well that he is the one who maintains an overview in times of crisis. My reactions are most of the time rather emotional ones and if I feel criticised, I often tend to take that badly and react not always reasonable, I am afraid. It does not even matter what such an affair is about, it is just the way something is said and how it enters my thoughts. Well, as I said, Master was extremely patient with me, I really have to admit that and I am grateful that he was. At first I was not even able to see that I showed aggressive behaviour, I was loud, felt myself in a position where I just had to oppose anything Master said. He did not direct anything against me at all, it was just like an emotional fit, or like emotional chaos at that moment. It was just to say the opposite, to be against whatever was said. Maybe you have encountered such situations yourself, then you know how annoying this is.
My real problem was that I did not even see at first that I behaved like that and afterwards, that I had trouble in admitting that I had finally seen it, even though I easily could have done so. Master offered many chances and ways out of the situation.
In such situations, I am also quite good at blaming someone else or to start putting in dummy arguments and things like that. Master knows that I tend to do that too, so he usually knows how to deal with that. But today he was reallllllllly patient with me, and once again I can only thank you for that, Sir. He explained what went wrong and since there was no aggression at all from his side, sooner or later, my bad behaviour just slipped away and I became rather frustrated because I had this feeling that I had let him down. He said that it was ok, because he just wanted to make sure that I understood the mechanism that had worked in me. This was not even about punishment at that time, because he just wanted me to see what had happened in my mind. Still, I acted against our rules and know that I deserve punishment and I want that, too. Master said that it is up to me to decide what punishment to receive this time, because I understood all too well what I had done.
Edit: We agreed on a spanking.
